Darling son with eyes so bright
by Magnetic Luck
Summary: Unable to swallow her own guilt, Lucrecia writes her son a final note, in the hopes that one day he might better understand her actions and learn to forgive.


Darling son with eyes so bright,

I write you this letter in the hopes that one day you read it and know the truth. That you can drink in these words and know from that moment on, how much you're loved, and how much I wanted to protect you. I never got to say goodbye to you, or even hello, but you're my flesh and blood, not the calamity's. I can feel my connection to you in the swell of my chest, growing stronger with every beat of this battered heart. Everyday that you live is a reminder of the one perfect thing I managed to achieve in my life.

I never wanted to be a mother. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be somebody and do something with my life that would achieve something worthwhile. To save lives and help the helpless. I devoted my entire life to that end, I studied, I qualified, I trained until I was physically exhausted, but I never got the job I wanted. My father died and the money dwindled, I was up to my eyes in debt, and I ended up working at Shinra of all places on a research grant.

I hated my job. The work was mundane, the tasks repetitive, but through it all, I found something I'd never felt before. I fell in love in this hell, sweet child of mine, I fell in love and realised that one day I wanted a family. I wanted **you.** Once upon a time, it may even have been a possibility. We could've lived in a little cottage far off in Mideel, somewhere with a white picket fence and a puppy for you to play with…But I broke his heart, and he left a mark on mine that nobody else has ever been able to replace. I wanted him to be your father. I wanted you to come into this world as a Valentine, but fate wasn't so kind.

I cried so many nights without him. I missed his warmth and his smile. He took a piece of me with him, and I searched everywhere for a chance to fill that void. I worked harder, I slept less, I tried new hobbies but in the end, I realised it was company that I missed, and so I moved on to find someone else. I can't tell you that it was the fantastical stuff of legends, because the love I had for your father is far from pure. We drove each other insane in the most abusive and calculated relationship you could possibly conceive. We argued, we fought, yet despite being battered and bleeding, we managed to endure.

I didn't expect to marry him. I thought we'd eventually go our separate ways, but when he asked with such sincerity instead of snide ubiquity, I couldn't bring myself to say no. It was only a small wedding, but it was enough to bind us. Things…changed after that. I thought they'd get better. We were married, we could start a family, maybe even cut down the hours in the lab, but…it didn't happen. If anything your father worked longer and harder than before. The only times I really saw him were when he came to bed at night, or when we argued to the point of no return.

There wasn't any romance in the unconventional dynamic we had, but I like to think there was something there akin to love. I know he wasn't Vincent, but he was still my husband. He was still the man that had given me his vow. When I found out I was pregnant with you, I foolishly hoped that things would change. Maybe a new tiny life was what we needed to bring us closer together. You were going to be the glue that kept the family going, the miracle that corrected every damnable mistake we'd ever made.

He was working when I told him. Frustrated and pouring over a plummeting progress report, but he smiled when I said those words, he smiled and I thought it was because he was happy for us. Everything was going to be alright…but then he said it. He told me the project was failing and that he needed a viable subject. If his project failed, we had no money, no job, no way to support ourselves or the tiny life growing inside of me. I told him no at first. You were my baby, you weren't a science project! But the more he asked and the more he explained, the more my resolve weakened, until finally, after almost a month, I agreed.

He said we'd be giving you a better future. That you'd be stronger and smarter, the epitome of human perfection! You were always perfect Sephiroth, from the very first moment I realised your life was entwined with mine, but I was scared. I thought that somehow if it did make you stronger, you wouldn't succumb to the same disease my father had, that you'd live to old age and enjoy your life like you so rightfully deserved. I know now, that I was wrong, and living in a world constructed of foolish flights of fantasy.

You weren't the only experiment, dear son, I suffered just like you did. Everyday I underwent a transfusion of Jenova cells, and every single day, my body rebelled. Headaches, nausea, blistering cramps. I couldn't control my own limbs in the end, I was too lethargic and too weak. I asked him to stop. I begged him on bended knee and cried, but it was too late. To stop mid-cycle would be to risk killing you in the process. I couldn't give you up. I couldn't lose you after the fight I'd had to keep you.

Your father and I…we grew apart. His work kept him away, and the strain was too much for us. I spent more time with Valentine after that, trying to cope with whatever harsh reality this was. Even after all of our history, I still managed to stay friends with the Turk. He was my best friend, my confidant, the only slice of sanity in a constant vortex of madness. He's the only reason I survived, but Hojo….he was a jealous man. He misinterpreted friendship for something more and he acted upon it.

I still can't decide which is worse. The fact he gunned down my first love, or the fact he ripped you from my womb without ever letting me see your face, or touch your perfect skin. I…should have protected you. I shouldn't have let your father's descent into madness impact upon your life. You were just the innocent victim, the pure hearted soul that became a pawn in a game you couldn't comprehend. I won't ever forgive myself for that Sephiroth, nor do I expect you to forgive me for the hand of fate you've been dealt.

I was never meant to be a mother. Perhaps you really are better off without me. You need someone that can take care of you, that will cherish you and guard you from the evil that resides in that lab. You don't need a worthless human being that couldn't even begin to protect her own child. I tried to see you one last time before I wrote this, but he wouldn't let me near. He signed the divorce papers and told me to get out. He said you had no need for traitors and adulteresses. So I've made my choice.

For my failure to save you, and for my part in your unknown future, I offer my life in exchange for yours. With my blood, I hope you find freedom, and with my tears, I hope you find solace.

I'll always love you, my darling son. In this life and in the next.

- Your mother.


End file.
